Sometimes God is really obvious about what He wants to perfect in my life. Other times He's a still small voice. But, right now, in my life, He's speaking loud and clear.
At first I thought maybe God was going to work on this singleness junk, then I thought maybe my need to control things. Then I thought maybe it was my insecurities (of which there are several). I finally was like, "Okay God! I can't work on all these things at the same time! It's just too much!" Then one day not too long ago it hit me, like a ton of bricks, or a mack truck, or a light bulb turned on right in front of my face after a long night's sleep.
Fear. FEAR!!
Why do I need to control things? Fear.
Why do I cringe when my boss confronts me? Fear.
Why don't I just talk to that guy? Fear.
Why can't I just be myself around other people? Fear. Am I too much? Am I not enough?
Why am I so worried about what others think about me? Fear.
Why can't I take that great leap of faith into the unknown? Fear.
Why do I find myself reluctant to be great? Fear.
Why am I panicked about money? Fear.
Why am I reluctant to go back to school? Fear.
What if I make myself vulnerable and share my heart with someone and they don't like me? Fear.
Why this, why that, it always comes back to fear.
Fear holds me back from being myself all the time. I just never realized it until now! I thought the reason I was single was because I was awkward, or uninteresting, not attractive, or had no idea how to flirt. And although every one of those things is true (to some degree or another), the real reason is because I have been afraid. And I have been afraid for a very long time.
I can remember at a very young age, learning to be afraid. Because I am who I am, I started making lists in my mind of things I could and couldn't do because they were right or wrong. Everything fell into the right or wrong category, leaving nothing in between. The more "spiritual" I got, unfortunately, the bigger this list got. And pretty soon these lists of what I thought was right and wrong started to turn into these little things we Christians like to call "walls". I formed this protective barrier around my heart, until it grew to protect my entire self, and then my entire existence. We Christians also like things called "boundaries". The problem is that calling something a boundary is often a mask for a wall, that has been justified in our mind to keep ourselves safe. There are a few things we have to have boundaries on, and absolute no-no, stay away attitude with, and that is to protect us from sinning. As Christians we ought to have these. But honestly, I think we take this whole idea of boundaries waaaaay to far. I know some will disagree with me, and that's okay!
These boundaries/walls/lists protect us, and rightfully so when used correctly. But when we justify boundaries as walls or just good boundaries to have in place, we give ourselves a way out of a situation just because it makes us vulnerable. Think of it this way. I may have a boundary of no sex before marriage. Therefore, I will set boundaries for myself based on when that point of no return is for me. I'm comfortable with this, but not with that. Because if I do that, I know I won't be strong enough to turn back. This is a good boundary. It protects me from what I believe is sin. And I believe that is sin based on God's word.
However, if I have a boundary of no sex before marriage, and therefore say I'm not going to be alone in my apartment with a man, or be in a car alone with a person of the opposite sex because someone might see us and wonder if we're going to have sex, in my opinion this is a wall. And what is that wall in place for? That wall is in place because we fear what others may perceive of us.
These lists/boundaries/walls I created have lead to a life of fear. The more lists you have, the more rules you abide by, the smaller your risk. The less risk, the less open you can be, because vulnerability equals risk. And in a lot of people's minds risk equals weakness. Therefore, if you are open with people (and in doing so make yourself vulnerable), you are weak. And weakness is like death. Because if we are weak, that means we can't do this thing called life on our own. And that my friends, is a very scary place to be.
Unfortunately, for a Christian, vulnerability shouldn't be scary. It should be freeing. God said there's no way we can do life on our own. That why we have Him. That's why He gave us others. I heard it said once that "Vulnerability is the most accurate measurement of courage". Why? Because vulnerability is scary, and having courage isn't always possible on our own strength.
For the Christian, a life of fear is full of lies. There is nothing Satan wouldn't love more than to disable a Christian. The fastest way to do that is fear. Strike fear into the heart of Christian and you have no made them ineffective. Why? Because everything God asks a Christian to do takes courage, and not the kind you can pull out on a moment's notice. I mean the huge kind. The kind only God can give us. It always requires a leap of faith. Because God is magnified in our weakness, what He asks of us will always be out of our own reach. It's scary. That's why it's called a "leap of faith".
I remember as a kid, with my dad in the pool, and me on the edge, scared to jump in for fear of drowning. He's standing there with his arms outstretched saying, "I'm right here. I won't let anything happen to you. Just jump!" I stood there paralyzed, until finally I closed my eyes, held my nose, and forced myself over the edge. As I land in the water I feel my dad's big strong arms grab me and lead me to the top safe and sound.
I think about Eve and how Satan tempted her in the garden. What is one of the things he spoke into her heart? "You know, God told you you couldn't eat that fruit because if you do you'll be like him, and know everything. He's holding out on you. You can't trust him." FEAR!
So, all these things I'm in the process of learning I have tried to focus on this area of fear. The more I hear people talk around me, the more I see and hear it. Fear dominates us. It's incredibly powerful. But thank God, He is more powerful than anything Satan throws at us. Fear is not from God. God have GIVEN us a life of freedom!
I have to choose to live in this freedom, and it is hard! I think I have to practice this behavior, because like anything practice makes better! So every time I sense that feeling welling up inside me, that fear screaming at me to crawl back into my corner and withdraw, I say to myself, "I will not be afraid. God is greater than my fear. I will not be afraid." So, as I stand on the edge, looking at my Father with arms stretched open wide, I close my eyes, hold my breath...and JUMP!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thankful at Thanksgiving
It's time for the annual listing of one's blessings! As I was contemplating what to write and started off thinking, "I'm thankful for God, and for everything he's given to me...", I realized that this sounded like some stupid award's show where one's acceptance speech starts off the same way, thanking god during an acceptance speech for singing a song about shaking your ass and other "wobbly bits" in front of someone, or inciting other people to do the same while listening to your song (however catchy it might be). It seems not only ironic, but completely and utterly WRONG!! So, to avoid sounding like such a cliche, I decided that wouldn't be the best way to start my list.
I just spent the last couple of days with an aunt that I have had very little occasion to visit during most of my life. Several states have separated us since I was elementary/middle school age, and because traveling is expensive, the little time we did see each other was short and separated by several years. Now I live only a few hours away, and have been able to visit a few times already in the short time I have lived in Arizona. It has been a real blessing...for several reasons.
One, there is nothing like having family to be with when you are separated from the large majority of them.
Two, it is wonderful to be able to spend time with that family after years of not being able to.
Three, my mom's sister (as much as they are different) are a lot alike, and being with my aunt feels so similar to being with my mom...different but the same. They hug the same way, big, long and strong, where if it lasts more than several seconds you start wondering if you will be able to breath again. There's nothing better! The other similarity is that they are both great cooks...and not the fat-free kind. I'm talkin' meat and potatoes, homemade cooking, without recipes or measuring cups, but full of love! Thank God I grew up in this kind of family! I'm haulting on reason three for a moment while I share some more blessings.
While visiting for Thanksgiving, I was taught how to make the turkey, how to make stock, gravy, stew, and soup, how to live off one 20 pound turkey for a year, which is like teaching a man to fish instead of just feeding him for a day. :) I had many moments of reflection over my family this holiday, moments where I was thinking through how I was raised, what kind of family and culture I come from, and how grateful I am for it all. True, I may be lacking in knowledge of the finer things in life, I might have lived a "sheltered" life in some ways, but I was taught about things that matter, family, love, God, hard work and self-respect. So while I may not be able to tell the difference between Monet and Picasso, I know what it means to be loved and to love back. I know the difference between a liar and a friend, a fake and an authentic. I was taught to love people, not things, and that family is most important. I was raised in church, where potlucks and softball games were the usual, where everyone is in your business, and that even though people look like they have it all together, no one does. I learned that God trumps everything. I learned invaluable skills like fishing and how to bait my own hook, learned to cook while standing next to my mom in the kitchen, music because my house was filled with singing and the family piano, watched my dad filet a fish on the picnic table in the back yard while my mom got the beer batter ready to fry it up, knew that hunting season was really important not only for male bonding, but because it filled our freezer for the entire year with meat for our family. I great up knowing guns were meant for hunting for food, for protection, not for hurting others. I knew that I better respect my elders or I would get a smack across the mouth or the butt. Either one hurt enough to remind me the next time my ignorant youth wanted to cross the line it was best to bite my tongue. I watched my dad fix the car and change the oil in the driveway, and that it was best not to disturb him while he was "yelling" at the car. :) I learned how to care for animals, and respect the danger in some of them. My family is loud, sarcastic, blunt, stubborn, middle class, blue collar, hunters, fishers, cooks, always laughing together, sometimes fighting each other, but always come back to love for each other. Yeah, I'm a hick, but I don't mind if you call me that, because I'm proud of who and what I come from. :)
All these thoughts were running through my head this weekend as I'm being fed amazing food, and learning more about my family members and enjoying this time with my aunt. And I realized how many things I am truly grateful for. I mean, once you crack the "thankfullness box" open it's pretty hard to stop.
Moving on...
I'm general thankful for lots of other things, my family and a relatively healthy year for everyone, for my siblings and all the things they have accomplished this past year and continue to do, my parents that they are working, healthy and happy. I'm thankful for a job, a place to live, the ability to provide for myself, and for the health that I do have, and the improvements I've had in that area this past year. I'm thankful for my friends, scattered all over the country and the world, and that we have social media to be able to keep in touch and be involved in each others' lives dispite the miles between us. I'm thankful for new friends, and how they are adding to my life, and letting me add to theirs. I'm thankful for finding a church that I love and has challenged me in my spiritual life.
The list could go on and on. Like I said, it's hard to stop being thankful for things once you take a minute to think about it. I could spend my whole life wondering what if, or pondering choices made, or chances not taken. I could wish for a more affluent upbringing, or a life of luxury. But why? I love what I had, love what I have, and know that I don't need things to make me fall in love with my future. If I stay grounding in what's important, and remember to count my blessings I'm pretty sure that next year I'll be saying the same thing I am this year...that I'm so filled with thanks and love that I couldn't possibly need anything else in life.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
I just spent the last couple of days with an aunt that I have had very little occasion to visit during most of my life. Several states have separated us since I was elementary/middle school age, and because traveling is expensive, the little time we did see each other was short and separated by several years. Now I live only a few hours away, and have been able to visit a few times already in the short time I have lived in Arizona. It has been a real blessing...for several reasons.
One, there is nothing like having family to be with when you are separated from the large majority of them.
Two, it is wonderful to be able to spend time with that family after years of not being able to.
Three, my mom's sister (as much as they are different) are a lot alike, and being with my aunt feels so similar to being with my mom...different but the same. They hug the same way, big, long and strong, where if it lasts more than several seconds you start wondering if you will be able to breath again. There's nothing better! The other similarity is that they are both great cooks...and not the fat-free kind. I'm talkin' meat and potatoes, homemade cooking, without recipes or measuring cups, but full of love! Thank God I grew up in this kind of family! I'm haulting on reason three for a moment while I share some more blessings.
While visiting for Thanksgiving, I was taught how to make the turkey, how to make stock, gravy, stew, and soup, how to live off one 20 pound turkey for a year, which is like teaching a man to fish instead of just feeding him for a day. :) I had many moments of reflection over my family this holiday, moments where I was thinking through how I was raised, what kind of family and culture I come from, and how grateful I am for it all. True, I may be lacking in knowledge of the finer things in life, I might have lived a "sheltered" life in some ways, but I was taught about things that matter, family, love, God, hard work and self-respect. So while I may not be able to tell the difference between Monet and Picasso, I know what it means to be loved and to love back. I know the difference between a liar and a friend, a fake and an authentic. I was taught to love people, not things, and that family is most important. I was raised in church, where potlucks and softball games were the usual, where everyone is in your business, and that even though people look like they have it all together, no one does. I learned that God trumps everything. I learned invaluable skills like fishing and how to bait my own hook, learned to cook while standing next to my mom in the kitchen, music because my house was filled with singing and the family piano, watched my dad filet a fish on the picnic table in the back yard while my mom got the beer batter ready to fry it up, knew that hunting season was really important not only for male bonding, but because it filled our freezer for the entire year with meat for our family. I great up knowing guns were meant for hunting for food, for protection, not for hurting others. I knew that I better respect my elders or I would get a smack across the mouth or the butt. Either one hurt enough to remind me the next time my ignorant youth wanted to cross the line it was best to bite my tongue. I watched my dad fix the car and change the oil in the driveway, and that it was best not to disturb him while he was "yelling" at the car. :) I learned how to care for animals, and respect the danger in some of them. My family is loud, sarcastic, blunt, stubborn, middle class, blue collar, hunters, fishers, cooks, always laughing together, sometimes fighting each other, but always come back to love for each other. Yeah, I'm a hick, but I don't mind if you call me that, because I'm proud of who and what I come from. :)
All these thoughts were running through my head this weekend as I'm being fed amazing food, and learning more about my family members and enjoying this time with my aunt. And I realized how many things I am truly grateful for. I mean, once you crack the "thankfullness box" open it's pretty hard to stop.
Moving on...
I'm general thankful for lots of other things, my family and a relatively healthy year for everyone, for my siblings and all the things they have accomplished this past year and continue to do, my parents that they are working, healthy and happy. I'm thankful for a job, a place to live, the ability to provide for myself, and for the health that I do have, and the improvements I've had in that area this past year. I'm thankful for my friends, scattered all over the country and the world, and that we have social media to be able to keep in touch and be involved in each others' lives dispite the miles between us. I'm thankful for new friends, and how they are adding to my life, and letting me add to theirs. I'm thankful for finding a church that I love and has challenged me in my spiritual life.
The list could go on and on. Like I said, it's hard to stop being thankful for things once you take a minute to think about it. I could spend my whole life wondering what if, or pondering choices made, or chances not taken. I could wish for a more affluent upbringing, or a life of luxury. But why? I love what I had, love what I have, and know that I don't need things to make me fall in love with my future. If I stay grounding in what's important, and remember to count my blessings I'm pretty sure that next year I'll be saying the same thing I am this year...that I'm so filled with thanks and love that I couldn't possibly need anything else in life.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Friday, October 14, 2011
I'm happy about this, right?
Earlier this week I had an MRI done on my low back to see if they could find anything that would be causing my extreme pain. I went in this morning to the pain management doctor, but before I saw him I asked to get a copy of the report so I could review it myself before I went in there. "No findings to justify symptoms" was the last line of the report. There is a little wear and tear on my back, and a little arthritis. That was expected given my age, weight and past injuries. What they didn't find was the reason for my pain. So this is where people say, "Well, at least you don't have to have surgery." Yes, thank you for that, because surgery really the worst option for me right now (sarcastic).
I immediately teared up, but did everything possible to hold it in. Maybe I'm misinterpreting one of these lines, maybe the doctor will see something they didn't catch, maybe, maybe, maybe. I knew none of those wishes were correct, but still in the back of my mind I hoped that someone would be wrong, someone would see something. What I really hoped was that the MRI would show something obvious, something that could be seen with the eye, and could be fixed...somehow. Yet again, I am left with no answers.
I am trying really hard to see the silver lining here. That being that I don't have a herniated disk, don't require major surgery, don't have something wrong with my spine, or any obvious signs of pinching or damage to any nerves stemming from my spine. And for that I am grateful. I really am.
So the pain management doctor and I talked through things, and I think he saw how close to breaking down I was and put his hand out and said calmly, "It's okay. We'll figure this out." Well, that made me tear up again, and I almost lost it, but refocused my energy on the diagrams he was showing me, and possible treatments. Thank God he didn't think I was crazy. I really don't think I could have handled another person looking at me saying, "You shouldn't be in this much pain", or better yet ASKING me, "Why are you in this much pain?" As if I had the answer. Trust me, if I did, I wouldn't be here right now!
So I asked the doctor what he could do today to help the pain in my low back. So I got 4 trigger point injections of a numbing and steroid concoction whipped up by the doctor. I also scheduled a sacroiliac injection. That one is a lot bigger, a lot more complicated and requires me to have a driver and take the day off work. Oh joy. I believe it's done with fluoroscope so they can have a live picture of my insides while they're injecting. It's pretty cool actually. I had one other one done right before my hip replacement, and stole a glance at the monitor while they were putting the needle in. Crazy. That's in an effort to get the injection in exactly the right spot in the joint. The one I had previously did nothing except make me extremely sore (from the fluid around the joint). But the doctor said that the joint can be tricky to get the right spot and wants to give it one more try. If that doesn't work we'll move on to other things. That's for the back pain.
The stabbing pain in my leg however is a whole nother story. Since there was no nerve issue in my back, the pain in my leg is most likely from the nerve that was purposefully cut in one of my pelvic reconstruction surgeries. The nerve was cut to give me relief from pain, and with all the damage to my pelvis, I'm sure it has. But nerves are tricky little things, and can start to regrow, or have funky little side effects. That's what the doc thinks has happened. Unfortunately, this is going to be very hard to treat. First step, possible anti-seizure medicines I would have to take every day to keep the nerve from flaring up or spasming. I'm not fond of this treatment, but then again I'm not fond of any of these treatments. They're all painful, and putting things into my body that aren't healthy. But if you can't move, you can't move, and you're at the mercy of what works.
So I have the script for the anti-seizure meds, but am still contemplating it. It would take 2-3 months over meds every day to even see if it's working, or I can wait and try these other treatments and see if they work instead.
The pain doc told me that pain management is really a trial and error process. You go with the information you have and then you start eliminating what's not working.
The treatment is long, expensive and emotionally draining. Not only do you have to take time off work (if you can continue working amidst the horrible pain) to go to the appointments, but you have co-pays and deductibles for each visit as well. Not only do you have the pain management doctors, but you have physical therapy as well, and co-pays and more time off for that. The worst part...even if you feel better from a round of physical therapy, you know that at any time you could flare up again and be right back where you started, having to do it all over again.
Unfortunately, because people no longer SEE my pain, they think it doesn't exist. It's like a vicious cycle. I wear makeup, I wear decent-enough clothes, and I smile...a LOT. To anyone looking I am not in pain. I am normal. Then the questions come. Why do you (as a single woman with no children) drive a minivan? Why do you have a handicap license plate? Why are you on disability? Oh, you have Medicare. Why? Why aren't you working? Why aren't you working full-time? How do you survive on just working part-time? Why can't you lift that box? Why can't you take the stairs? Why can't you go hiking with me? What's wrong?
Then I try to answer those questions as politically correct as possible and in as short amount of time as possible without provoking more questions, or worse, the disbelieving look and subsequent annoyance with you "milking the system" by "claiming" your disabled. Yes, people, this is my life...welcome.
So, I realize I have now vented a heap of frustration in this blog posting, and I mean this in no way to discourage anyone. I know there are a couple people who read this because it's someone who is going through crap too, and it helps to be encouraged.
The encouraging thing about the last week is that I have found TWO doctors in one week who are actually decent, smart individuals, and not threatened by a girl who knows her body, knows a little bit about a little bit, and isn't afraid to challenge their opinion. Those kinds of doctors are hard to come by, but apparently they DO STILL EXIST!! That is encouraging. Sometimes you just have to look a little further. It is my hope someday to have a website, where members can rate doctors they have seen for a list of qualities. I base most of my new patient visits on reviews from others, either people I know, or reviews online. I don't go anywhere without hearing about it first. There are too many quacks out there. And honestly, with the internet, and the capability of putting reviews on absolutely everything there is no reason that anyone should not have a review online. So, check others' reviews, ask around to others who live in your area, and go hunting! Good doctors still exist!!
I immediately teared up, but did everything possible to hold it in. Maybe I'm misinterpreting one of these lines, maybe the doctor will see something they didn't catch, maybe, maybe, maybe. I knew none of those wishes were correct, but still in the back of my mind I hoped that someone would be wrong, someone would see something. What I really hoped was that the MRI would show something obvious, something that could be seen with the eye, and could be fixed...somehow. Yet again, I am left with no answers.
I am trying really hard to see the silver lining here. That being that I don't have a herniated disk, don't require major surgery, don't have something wrong with my spine, or any obvious signs of pinching or damage to any nerves stemming from my spine. And for that I am grateful. I really am.
So the pain management doctor and I talked through things, and I think he saw how close to breaking down I was and put his hand out and said calmly, "It's okay. We'll figure this out." Well, that made me tear up again, and I almost lost it, but refocused my energy on the diagrams he was showing me, and possible treatments. Thank God he didn't think I was crazy. I really don't think I could have handled another person looking at me saying, "You shouldn't be in this much pain", or better yet ASKING me, "Why are you in this much pain?" As if I had the answer. Trust me, if I did, I wouldn't be here right now!
So I asked the doctor what he could do today to help the pain in my low back. So I got 4 trigger point injections of a numbing and steroid concoction whipped up by the doctor. I also scheduled a sacroiliac injection. That one is a lot bigger, a lot more complicated and requires me to have a driver and take the day off work. Oh joy. I believe it's done with fluoroscope so they can have a live picture of my insides while they're injecting. It's pretty cool actually. I had one other one done right before my hip replacement, and stole a glance at the monitor while they were putting the needle in. Crazy. That's in an effort to get the injection in exactly the right spot in the joint. The one I had previously did nothing except make me extremely sore (from the fluid around the joint). But the doctor said that the joint can be tricky to get the right spot and wants to give it one more try. If that doesn't work we'll move on to other things. That's for the back pain.
The stabbing pain in my leg however is a whole nother story. Since there was no nerve issue in my back, the pain in my leg is most likely from the nerve that was purposefully cut in one of my pelvic reconstruction surgeries. The nerve was cut to give me relief from pain, and with all the damage to my pelvis, I'm sure it has. But nerves are tricky little things, and can start to regrow, or have funky little side effects. That's what the doc thinks has happened. Unfortunately, this is going to be very hard to treat. First step, possible anti-seizure medicines I would have to take every day to keep the nerve from flaring up or spasming. I'm not fond of this treatment, but then again I'm not fond of any of these treatments. They're all painful, and putting things into my body that aren't healthy. But if you can't move, you can't move, and you're at the mercy of what works.
So I have the script for the anti-seizure meds, but am still contemplating it. It would take 2-3 months over meds every day to even see if it's working, or I can wait and try these other treatments and see if they work instead.
The pain doc told me that pain management is really a trial and error process. You go with the information you have and then you start eliminating what's not working.
The treatment is long, expensive and emotionally draining. Not only do you have to take time off work (if you can continue working amidst the horrible pain) to go to the appointments, but you have co-pays and deductibles for each visit as well. Not only do you have the pain management doctors, but you have physical therapy as well, and co-pays and more time off for that. The worst part...even if you feel better from a round of physical therapy, you know that at any time you could flare up again and be right back where you started, having to do it all over again.
Unfortunately, because people no longer SEE my pain, they think it doesn't exist. It's like a vicious cycle. I wear makeup, I wear decent-enough clothes, and I smile...a LOT. To anyone looking I am not in pain. I am normal. Then the questions come. Why do you (as a single woman with no children) drive a minivan? Why do you have a handicap license plate? Why are you on disability? Oh, you have Medicare. Why? Why aren't you working? Why aren't you working full-time? How do you survive on just working part-time? Why can't you lift that box? Why can't you take the stairs? Why can't you go hiking with me? What's wrong?
Then I try to answer those questions as politically correct as possible and in as short amount of time as possible without provoking more questions, or worse, the disbelieving look and subsequent annoyance with you "milking the system" by "claiming" your disabled. Yes, people, this is my life...welcome.
So, I realize I have now vented a heap of frustration in this blog posting, and I mean this in no way to discourage anyone. I know there are a couple people who read this because it's someone who is going through crap too, and it helps to be encouraged.
The encouraging thing about the last week is that I have found TWO doctors in one week who are actually decent, smart individuals, and not threatened by a girl who knows her body, knows a little bit about a little bit, and isn't afraid to challenge their opinion. Those kinds of doctors are hard to come by, but apparently they DO STILL EXIST!! That is encouraging. Sometimes you just have to look a little further. It is my hope someday to have a website, where members can rate doctors they have seen for a list of qualities. I base most of my new patient visits on reviews from others, either people I know, or reviews online. I don't go anywhere without hearing about it first. There are too many quacks out there. And honestly, with the internet, and the capability of putting reviews on absolutely everything there is no reason that anyone should not have a review online. So, check others' reviews, ask around to others who live in your area, and go hunting! Good doctors still exist!!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Turn right here. Recalculating...
You're driving along and you either miss the turn, the GPS doesn't give you the info in time to get in the turn lane, or you think you know better and drive past, sending "Karen" into a frantic trying to recalculate! This is so like my life right now. To anyone looking in on my life, it probably looks like a hot mess right now, but to me, I deal day to day, and try to roll with the punches. "Karen" would be throwing a fit right about now!!
Recalculating...recalculating...
I'm doing just that.
For those of you that know me and my physical situation, you know that I am trying to work my way back to full-time work, while still dealing with the results of my accident. I wish they would just go away. I wish I could ignore them. Unfortunately, I cannot.
July 2004, I was enrolled in 2 classes at Rider University, where I worked and went to school. These were the last of 11 classes I had left to take before finishing my Bachelor's Degree. That goal has been left unfinished, as I have focused on my physical health, and now getting back to work. The desire to finish has not gone away, however. But this is uncharted waters for me as I am currently working 30 hours, and experiencing some more physical problems with the new schedule.
With school still out there as a possibility, I have had to "recalculate" future plans. It's come down to an either/or situation. Either I work full-time, or take a second look at the school option.
Right now, the school option is looking like a good one. As much as going back to school after being out of it for almost 8 years, is not the most pleasant thought in the world, it is something that I need to do. In this economy I need to be marketable, and there is not a whole lot about secretarial work that is marketable. Granted, I am working, which means I am one of the lucky ones right now, but my work is temporary and with my lack of degree, leaves my salary still in poverty level. Sad, huh?
So, I am currently looking into finishing my degree. The way I see it, if I go full-time...yes, that's right, full-time, I can finish in a full year, maybe 15 months. My program is not much to speak of, but a Master's Degree is already in the thoughts, and at the point of closing out my undergrad would be something to seriously decide on.
While I never thought I would have these issues to deal with in my life, I can't hide from them. They are decisions that need to be made, and as with all life decisions, require thought and the best educated guess you can muster.
Who would have thought this would be happening right now? Certainly not me! But then again, nothing about my life is what I thought it would be, so why should this be any different?!
The other thing happening and not happening in my life is the great world of dating. I am having these conversations with people my age about how annoying it is that people don't meet organically anymore. You meet online. You become Facebook friends, meet on Match.com or EHarmony.com, post your profile and wait. And if you're like me you wait a lot. I am not a serial dater. I'm not even a frequent dater. Maybe it's because I don't like dating. Maybe it's because I don't like dating the wrong people. I think I am awkward at dating, probably because I never did it in high school. Let's not start that story. Suffice to say, there was no dating experience.
So, I spent my entire 20-something years trying to figure out what the heck I was going to do with my life, while accumulating thousands of dollars in student loans, moving and transferring all over the country, and focusing all my time on school. Then the accident happened and my focus switched to survival and recovery. It's still somewhat in that mode, but I feel like emotionally and mentally I'm in a much better place than I was even a few years ago. The physical issues are still there, but now I'm finding my focus shifting again to regaining my sense of self. I've been given a second chance at life and I'd like to find the purpose in it. I think I have at least an idea. The future details I'll leave up to God so I don't find myself overwhelmed and stressed out! But the big idea is there. Now I just need to educate myself in how to do it, and "gird my loins" for the journey. I don't want to string this out over years and years while killing myself trying to work as well. It just ain't gonna happen people. This is my normal now. Ahh, rabbit trail again. Back to the single thing.
But if you do not make yourself known, as in show up to social functions, go out just for fun sometimes, and just make yourself present in your own life. No one can date/marry you if they don't know you exist. If you stay in your house all the time no one will ever find you. So, I am taking the charge to go out and be my awkward, weird self and meet people face to face. Learn to say no, and more importantly learn to say yes. This is reverse from what I was taught when I was younger. And truthfully saying no is the safe thing to do, but if you never say yes, you will just be lonely. So, here's to saying yes!
The other thing happening in my life is deciding to put my dog Sammy to sleep. I have had her for 2 years, after my ex-boyfriend and I rescued her from a pile of dirt (basically). She was already old. The vet estimated 10 years old at least. She had a multitude of problems. Obviously teeth rotting, and missing the rest of them, broken and popping bones, a hernia, and cataracts. In the last few months her problems have gotten worse, where she can't control her bowels, trips while walking, the blank stares while we're out walking, extremely slow walking (and sometimes walking sideways), and being very lethargic, and having a hard time getting up from a laying position. I've been wondering for the last month or two how much longer she was going to last. But as I've watched her I've realized how much worse she is getting, so I have made the decision. I called a vets office last week while at work, and cried for the next 10 minutes. The last time I had to do this was when I was 16. It is so hard to make this decision, but I feel like it's the best one.
I had my friend Jenn take some pictures of me and the girls today at the park, just so I could have them before I have to take Sammy in. Pictures to follow, and a hard day after that. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I wish people and animals could die peacefully in their sleep when they're old or sick, but it just doesn't happen like that all the time. I'm so grateful for the 2 years spent with my sweet Sammy. She has lived better in these 2 years than she probably had the rest of her life before. At least she is going out one happy and loved dog.
Recalculating...recalculating...
I'm doing just that.
For those of you that know me and my physical situation, you know that I am trying to work my way back to full-time work, while still dealing with the results of my accident. I wish they would just go away. I wish I could ignore them. Unfortunately, I cannot.
July 2004, I was enrolled in 2 classes at Rider University, where I worked and went to school. These were the last of 11 classes I had left to take before finishing my Bachelor's Degree. That goal has been left unfinished, as I have focused on my physical health, and now getting back to work. The desire to finish has not gone away, however. But this is uncharted waters for me as I am currently working 30 hours, and experiencing some more physical problems with the new schedule.
With school still out there as a possibility, I have had to "recalculate" future plans. It's come down to an either/or situation. Either I work full-time, or take a second look at the school option.
Right now, the school option is looking like a good one. As much as going back to school after being out of it for almost 8 years, is not the most pleasant thought in the world, it is something that I need to do. In this economy I need to be marketable, and there is not a whole lot about secretarial work that is marketable. Granted, I am working, which means I am one of the lucky ones right now, but my work is temporary and with my lack of degree, leaves my salary still in poverty level. Sad, huh?
So, I am currently looking into finishing my degree. The way I see it, if I go full-time...yes, that's right, full-time, I can finish in a full year, maybe 15 months. My program is not much to speak of, but a Master's Degree is already in the thoughts, and at the point of closing out my undergrad would be something to seriously decide on.
While I never thought I would have these issues to deal with in my life, I can't hide from them. They are decisions that need to be made, and as with all life decisions, require thought and the best educated guess you can muster.
Who would have thought this would be happening right now? Certainly not me! But then again, nothing about my life is what I thought it would be, so why should this be any different?!
The other thing happening and not happening in my life is the great world of dating. I am having these conversations with people my age about how annoying it is that people don't meet organically anymore. You meet online. You become Facebook friends, meet on Match.com or EHarmony.com, post your profile and wait. And if you're like me you wait a lot. I am not a serial dater. I'm not even a frequent dater. Maybe it's because I don't like dating. Maybe it's because I don't like dating the wrong people. I think I am awkward at dating, probably because I never did it in high school. Let's not start that story. Suffice to say, there was no dating experience.
So, I spent my entire 20-something years trying to figure out what the heck I was going to do with my life, while accumulating thousands of dollars in student loans, moving and transferring all over the country, and focusing all my time on school. Then the accident happened and my focus switched to survival and recovery. It's still somewhat in that mode, but I feel like emotionally and mentally I'm in a much better place than I was even a few years ago. The physical issues are still there, but now I'm finding my focus shifting again to regaining my sense of self. I've been given a second chance at life and I'd like to find the purpose in it. I think I have at least an idea. The future details I'll leave up to God so I don't find myself overwhelmed and stressed out! But the big idea is there. Now I just need to educate myself in how to do it, and "gird my loins" for the journey. I don't want to string this out over years and years while killing myself trying to work as well. It just ain't gonna happen people. This is my normal now. Ahh, rabbit trail again. Back to the single thing.
But if you do not make yourself known, as in show up to social functions, go out just for fun sometimes, and just make yourself present in your own life. No one can date/marry you if they don't know you exist. If you stay in your house all the time no one will ever find you. So, I am taking the charge to go out and be my awkward, weird self and meet people face to face. Learn to say no, and more importantly learn to say yes. This is reverse from what I was taught when I was younger. And truthfully saying no is the safe thing to do, but if you never say yes, you will just be lonely. So, here's to saying yes!
The other thing happening in my life is deciding to put my dog Sammy to sleep. I have had her for 2 years, after my ex-boyfriend and I rescued her from a pile of dirt (basically). She was already old. The vet estimated 10 years old at least. She had a multitude of problems. Obviously teeth rotting, and missing the rest of them, broken and popping bones, a hernia, and cataracts. In the last few months her problems have gotten worse, where she can't control her bowels, trips while walking, the blank stares while we're out walking, extremely slow walking (and sometimes walking sideways), and being very lethargic, and having a hard time getting up from a laying position. I've been wondering for the last month or two how much longer she was going to last. But as I've watched her I've realized how much worse she is getting, so I have made the decision. I called a vets office last week while at work, and cried for the next 10 minutes. The last time I had to do this was when I was 16. It is so hard to make this decision, but I feel like it's the best one.
I had my friend Jenn take some pictures of me and the girls today at the park, just so I could have them before I have to take Sammy in. Pictures to follow, and a hard day after that. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I wish people and animals could die peacefully in their sleep when they're old or sick, but it just doesn't happen like that all the time. I'm so grateful for the 2 years spent with my sweet Sammy. She has lived better in these 2 years than she probably had the rest of her life before. At least she is going out one happy and loved dog.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Trudging Through The Muck
A friend and I were talking tonight, and sharing with each other the things we hope to do with our lives in the near future. The goal is out there, but it's so easy to get caught up in the day to day of what you're doing now that you lose sight of the goal. Before you know it, years have passed and you haven't done anything to get closer to that goal. I wish we could just teleport to the future. Sometimes you just feel like, "Enough already. Let's just get to the good stuff!" And as I shared this with my friend, she said, "Yeah, sometimes it just feels like we're just trudging through the muck."
Then we started talking about the need to be content with where we're at in life, while keeping our eyes on the goal that God has placed in our hearts. Good food for thought.
Then we started talking about the need to be content with where we're at in life, while keeping our eyes on the goal that God has placed in our hearts. Good food for thought.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Why??
After watching "Soul Surfer" tonight, I was reminded of similar things I've been through in my own life, and wanted to take a minute to write about this topic.
It is the fundamental question to anything in life. For purposes of this conversation I'm going to limit the scope of this question as it relates to life's worst moments. Miscarriages, the sharp knife of a life taken too soon, disease, loss, sickness, divorce, accident, or any life-changing event leaves you with this one question to answer, knowing that in doing so you may find some peace. The hard part is when this major life question seems to go unanswered.
We want an answer. God, why did this happen? How could you allow this to happen to me? Why them? Why me? Why now? Why this way? Why didn't you stop it from happening in the first place?
That last question is the one that is the hardest to deal with, in my opinion. Especially as a Christian, it is hard to wrap my head around God's immense love in allowing us to go through so much pain. It doesn't make sense to my human self. But I'm not God, and my ways are not his ways. My thoughts are not his thoughts. I don't see the whole picture. I just see a glimpse, a tiny fraction of a second in relation to the eternity that is the "big picture".
Do you really WANT to hear this when you're going through trials or tragedy? Nope. Not a word of it. I know this firsthand. I remember when I was lying in a hospital bed going on week 4...5...6, and people telling me that something good will come out of this tragedy, that God was in control, that it's all part of God's perfect plan for my life. It sure didn't feel that way. At that point you wouldn't have been able to convince me. I thought life as I knew it had ended, and there was no way this was going to turn out well.
So, for those of you reading this that are actually going through a tragedy, a rough time, hurt - you are not alone, and don't give up.
It tends to happen that when you're dealing with something huge you have some extra time on your hands. I think some people are of the belief that grieving is something we should work to get out of, instead of allowing God to use as part of the healing process. We are scared of hurt. Anything we can do to avoid it, like ignoring the grieving part of loss altogether, looks so much better at the moment. The problem is, unattended grief starts sprouting up like weeds in other areas of your life. Before you know it you've become short-tempered, unfocused, overly emotional about everything, maybe even obsessive compulsive in areas of your life.
Unfortunately grief is a foothold, and left alone can cause some serious problems. Don't get me wrong, working your way through AND out of grief is not only hard but necessary. The foothold is there. For the Christian out there, let me encourage you that if you let it sit, grief will overtake you, and there's nothing Satan would like better than a Christian out of commission. You were meant for so much more. Don't give up.
During my own grief I made it all the way to those core questions...you know the ones philosophers have been asking since the dawn of time. Why am I here? Who am I? Yadda, yadda, yadda. Yup. I was all the way down there...to the core of my very being. God, why did you even make me? Why am I here? What in the world are you doing? I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand.
At first I couldn't answer them. I just kept asking them hoping for some clear, direct answer straight from Heaven. Let me just tell you...sometimes you get those clear as day answers. Sometimes they're a bit messy...or they seem that way. God isn't out to confuse us or trick us. I believe the confusion comes in and of ourselves Maybe it's as "simple" as the fact that I'm not God and I may never totally get it.
How did I get from laying flat on my back, questioning my very existence, God's very existence and love, to understanding and believing that even though my life might look like a mess to other humans, to God it is perfect...exactly how He designed it? (That's kind of tough to even say.) Time (lots of time), prayers from others, physical help from others, emotional help from others, professional help with practical ways to deal with grief, amazing family and spiritual family, and God. If you'll notice, none of these things had anything to do with myself. When you're in that place you CAN NOT go it alone!
Being as independent as I was, it was almost physically painful for me to ask for help. Sometimes people didn't even wait for me to ask. That's probably a good thing! But if you're in that place where you can't seem to find a way out, ask for help. ASK FOR HELP! And if you're reading this and you're on the other end, and you hear someone say something a little off, or you know they are in a bad place, a difficult situation, or flat out know they need help, please step in and DO SOMETHING! It's hard enough to ask. It's embarrassing and even more painful when you feel like you're begging for help with things you used to be able to do all on your own. Practice Christ's love and do something. This is my verbal kick in the pants to me and my siblings in Christ!
This is the best thing I can do for you. Here is what got me through...literally! Even though at first, I hated hearing this as a reason to my own trials, it was true. Eventually I learned (and am still learning) what these verses mean, as I come across people every day who are going through Job-moments in their own lives. And if that is the ONLY reason I have to go through what I did/do, then I will spend my life resting my mind in these verses until I can sit at God's feet and understand his ways fully.
2 Corinthians 1:3-11
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.
For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us, you also joining in helping us through your prayers, so that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the favor bestowed on us through the prayers of many.
It is the fundamental question to anything in life. For purposes of this conversation I'm going to limit the scope of this question as it relates to life's worst moments. Miscarriages, the sharp knife of a life taken too soon, disease, loss, sickness, divorce, accident, or any life-changing event leaves you with this one question to answer, knowing that in doing so you may find some peace. The hard part is when this major life question seems to go unanswered.
We want an answer. God, why did this happen? How could you allow this to happen to me? Why them? Why me? Why now? Why this way? Why didn't you stop it from happening in the first place?
That last question is the one that is the hardest to deal with, in my opinion. Especially as a Christian, it is hard to wrap my head around God's immense love in allowing us to go through so much pain. It doesn't make sense to my human self. But I'm not God, and my ways are not his ways. My thoughts are not his thoughts. I don't see the whole picture. I just see a glimpse, a tiny fraction of a second in relation to the eternity that is the "big picture".
Do you really WANT to hear this when you're going through trials or tragedy? Nope. Not a word of it. I know this firsthand. I remember when I was lying in a hospital bed going on week 4...5...6, and people telling me that something good will come out of this tragedy, that God was in control, that it's all part of God's perfect plan for my life. It sure didn't feel that way. At that point you wouldn't have been able to convince me. I thought life as I knew it had ended, and there was no way this was going to turn out well.
So, for those of you reading this that are actually going through a tragedy, a rough time, hurt - you are not alone, and don't give up.
It tends to happen that when you're dealing with something huge you have some extra time on your hands. I think some people are of the belief that grieving is something we should work to get out of, instead of allowing God to use as part of the healing process. We are scared of hurt. Anything we can do to avoid it, like ignoring the grieving part of loss altogether, looks so much better at the moment. The problem is, unattended grief starts sprouting up like weeds in other areas of your life. Before you know it you've become short-tempered, unfocused, overly emotional about everything, maybe even obsessive compulsive in areas of your life.
Unfortunately grief is a foothold, and left alone can cause some serious problems. Don't get me wrong, working your way through AND out of grief is not only hard but necessary. The foothold is there. For the Christian out there, let me encourage you that if you let it sit, grief will overtake you, and there's nothing Satan would like better than a Christian out of commission. You were meant for so much more. Don't give up.
During my own grief I made it all the way to those core questions...you know the ones philosophers have been asking since the dawn of time. Why am I here? Who am I? Yadda, yadda, yadda. Yup. I was all the way down there...to the core of my very being. God, why did you even make me? Why am I here? What in the world are you doing? I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand.
At first I couldn't answer them. I just kept asking them hoping for some clear, direct answer straight from Heaven. Let me just tell you...sometimes you get those clear as day answers. Sometimes they're a bit messy...or they seem that way. God isn't out to confuse us or trick us. I believe the confusion comes in and of ourselves Maybe it's as "simple" as the fact that I'm not God and I may never totally get it.
How did I get from laying flat on my back, questioning my very existence, God's very existence and love, to understanding and believing that even though my life might look like a mess to other humans, to God it is perfect...exactly how He designed it? (That's kind of tough to even say.) Time (lots of time), prayers from others, physical help from others, emotional help from others, professional help with practical ways to deal with grief, amazing family and spiritual family, and God. If you'll notice, none of these things had anything to do with myself. When you're in that place you CAN NOT go it alone!
Being as independent as I was, it was almost physically painful for me to ask for help. Sometimes people didn't even wait for me to ask. That's probably a good thing! But if you're in that place where you can't seem to find a way out, ask for help. ASK FOR HELP! And if you're reading this and you're on the other end, and you hear someone say something a little off, or you know they are in a bad place, a difficult situation, or flat out know they need help, please step in and DO SOMETHING! It's hard enough to ask. It's embarrassing and even more painful when you feel like you're begging for help with things you used to be able to do all on your own. Practice Christ's love and do something. This is my verbal kick in the pants to me and my siblings in Christ!
This is the best thing I can do for you. Here is what got me through...literally! Even though at first, I hated hearing this as a reason to my own trials, it was true. Eventually I learned (and am still learning) what these verses mean, as I come across people every day who are going through Job-moments in their own lives. And if that is the ONLY reason I have to go through what I did/do, then I will spend my life resting my mind in these verses until I can sit at God's feet and understand his ways fully.
2 Corinthians 1:3-11
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.
For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us, you also joining in helping us through your prayers, so that thanks may be given by many persons on our behalf for the favor bestowed on us through the prayers of many.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
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About Me
- Marci DeHaan
- It is my joy to write. All of my blogs have a special meaning to me, and allow me an outlet to express every side of myself. I like to write like I think, a scatterbrained mess of ideas and emotions that somehow spill out into totally relatable stories for others to share in. That is my life. Please enjoy my blogs and writings. They range anywhere from cynical posts about singleness, to nurturing, important posts to young women, to every kind of life moment and stories about being human. My favorite catch phrase is "still practicing", which is on almost all of my posts. Why? Because I am...still practicing at writing, at being a better, more well-rounded person, and at life in general. I hope to always be practicing. Happy reading! :)