I should probably blog about this. It’s going to be long, and I haven’t blogged in a while. But…I’ll leave this one for my friends on Facebook. (Update: I DID post this in a blog!!)
I feel it coming again…that old familiar feeling that comes right before something major is about to take place in my life. It’s as if I’m standing at a crossroads of desire and hope, with fear, insecurity, lies, expectations and assumptions coming at me from every other direction. My instinct is to feel alone in this moment, as if I’m the only one who is, and has ever, experienced this very thing. I am not.
I have no idea which variable in my current world is about to change, but I have been around long enough to know where I’m standing.
Desire and hope are not something I’m familiar with accepting in my life. They seem to be too good for me, too good to be true, or just too risky to believe in. But fear, insecurity, lies, expectations and assumptions…I’m very familiar with these things. At the crossroads of these decisions in the past, I have been more likely to give in…especially to insecurity and lies. They seem more comfortable. More real. Safer.
It is ironic that I could see insecurity and lies as a safer option. They do nothing but deter me from truth, honesty, and the absolute best. But they feel safer, as if I would suffer no disappointment if I follow that path, because I already know the outcome. I can retreat within myself, giving myself the control of the lesser life. At least I would be in control. At least I would not be vulnerable...unraveled. I could allow for those better things more easily, could I take lies and insecurity along with me. But on the trail of truth and honesty, there is no allowance for a backpack of ugliness to drag along. I am stuck at this crossroads with what seems like the weight of the world pressing down on me for an answer, and I feel at war on the inside.
Why is it so hard to trust? God says, “Trust me”, after 99 times of trusting him so recently, with no clear picture of why. Do I need a “why”? Do I need to know? My feelings want to see the result of my trust like a child wants a lollipop for good behavior at the doctor’s office. I did, so I get. I did, so therefore I see a, b and c happen. My trust has produced mounds of painful things recently. Things I have lost that I felt so much, that trusting seemed so painful, and I’m not sure I want to trust for the 100th time.
God asks me to trust him with reckless abandoned, and I question the result. I only see the pain it has caused me. I asked myself to look and see if this was the only thing I was “getting” out of trusting, and the answer was a profound no. But like Satan and the original sin, he has convinced me that God’s best is being kept from me, and in order to get it, I must step outside of his best, and go get it for myself. The lies!!
In reality, any temporary pain that I have gone through has ultimately been for my good. A cleansing of sorts, to allow room for other things that have actually brought me tremendous blessing, and *should* be encouraging my faith and trust. How easily I overlook those things, and focus on the others.
I am invited, at this crossroads, to a place of honesty – with myself, with others, with the situation in front of me. And not just honesty, but vulnerability. My honesty, brought forth in complete trust, has the opportunity to cause more pain, like before. It also has the opportunity to bring me so much joy and love, more than I have ever experienced. Am I willing to trust, knowing in my head that no matter the outcome, it is the best for me, while my heart lies in a pile of emotional spaghetti? Or do I cut and run, listening to my insecurities, and go with the “safer” option?
I am saying mounds of prayers over my own situation right now, the details of which are so personal I won’t share. But as I said before, I know I am not alone in this place of uncertainty and vulnerability. To be completely honest and open, everything in me is crying "run". Run quickly...and in the opposite direction, because I am about to get hurt. I am about to get my heart torn into a million tiny, unrecognizable pieces, and I will not survive. (This is not true of course, and I have no way of knowing that I will even get hurt at all, yet this is what I tell myself to justify my actions).
I could do this, but instead I am I am forcing myself to sit in silence, in this most uncomfortable place…and wait. I will sit here while I let my mind and heart rest in uncertainty. I will ward off my negative thoughts and feelings, and protect my heart and my mind from lies and insecurity, by calling on God and angels to surround me with peace and love. They do conquer all.
And I will try, when it is time, to take that most awkward and terrifying first step.
Still practicing…
I feel it coming again…that old familiar feeling that comes right before something major is about to take place in my life. It’s as if I’m standing at a crossroads of desire and hope, with fear, insecurity, lies, expectations and assumptions coming at me from every other direction. My instinct is to feel alone in this moment, as if I’m the only one who is, and has ever, experienced this very thing. I am not.
I have no idea which variable in my current world is about to change, but I have been around long enough to know where I’m standing.
Desire and hope are not something I’m familiar with accepting in my life. They seem to be too good for me, too good to be true, or just too risky to believe in. But fear, insecurity, lies, expectations and assumptions…I’m very familiar with these things. At the crossroads of these decisions in the past, I have been more likely to give in…especially to insecurity and lies. They seem more comfortable. More real. Safer.
It is ironic that I could see insecurity and lies as a safer option. They do nothing but deter me from truth, honesty, and the absolute best. But they feel safer, as if I would suffer no disappointment if I follow that path, because I already know the outcome. I can retreat within myself, giving myself the control of the lesser life. At least I would be in control. At least I would not be vulnerable...unraveled. I could allow for those better things more easily, could I take lies and insecurity along with me. But on the trail of truth and honesty, there is no allowance for a backpack of ugliness to drag along. I am stuck at this crossroads with what seems like the weight of the world pressing down on me for an answer, and I feel at war on the inside.
Why is it so hard to trust? God says, “Trust me”, after 99 times of trusting him so recently, with no clear picture of why. Do I need a “why”? Do I need to know? My feelings want to see the result of my trust like a child wants a lollipop for good behavior at the doctor’s office. I did, so I get. I did, so therefore I see a, b and c happen. My trust has produced mounds of painful things recently. Things I have lost that I felt so much, that trusting seemed so painful, and I’m not sure I want to trust for the 100th time.
God asks me to trust him with reckless abandoned, and I question the result. I only see the pain it has caused me. I asked myself to look and see if this was the only thing I was “getting” out of trusting, and the answer was a profound no. But like Satan and the original sin, he has convinced me that God’s best is being kept from me, and in order to get it, I must step outside of his best, and go get it for myself. The lies!!
In reality, any temporary pain that I have gone through has ultimately been for my good. A cleansing of sorts, to allow room for other things that have actually brought me tremendous blessing, and *should* be encouraging my faith and trust. How easily I overlook those things, and focus on the others.
I am invited, at this crossroads, to a place of honesty – with myself, with others, with the situation in front of me. And not just honesty, but vulnerability. My honesty, brought forth in complete trust, has the opportunity to cause more pain, like before. It also has the opportunity to bring me so much joy and love, more than I have ever experienced. Am I willing to trust, knowing in my head that no matter the outcome, it is the best for me, while my heart lies in a pile of emotional spaghetti? Or do I cut and run, listening to my insecurities, and go with the “safer” option?
I am saying mounds of prayers over my own situation right now, the details of which are so personal I won’t share. But as I said before, I know I am not alone in this place of uncertainty and vulnerability. To be completely honest and open, everything in me is crying "run". Run quickly...and in the opposite direction, because I am about to get hurt. I am about to get my heart torn into a million tiny, unrecognizable pieces, and I will not survive. (This is not true of course, and I have no way of knowing that I will even get hurt at all, yet this is what I tell myself to justify my actions).
I could do this, but instead I am I am forcing myself to sit in silence, in this most uncomfortable place…and wait. I will sit here while I let my mind and heart rest in uncertainty. I will ward off my negative thoughts and feelings, and protect my heart and my mind from lies and insecurity, by calling on God and angels to surround me with peace and love. They do conquer all.
And I will try, when it is time, to take that most awkward and terrifying first step.
Still practicing…
