FEAR: The reason we are not, and don't do.

Sometimes God is really obvious about what He wants to perfect in my life.  Other times He's a still small voice.  But, right now, in my life, He's speaking loud and clear. 
At first I thought maybe God was going to work on this singleness junk, then I thought maybe my need to control things.  Then I thought maybe it was my insecurities (of which there are several).  I finally was like, "Okay God!  I can't work on all these things at the same time!  It's just too much!"  Then one day not too long ago it hit me, like a ton of bricks, or a mack truck, or a light bulb turned on right in front of my face after a long night's sleep. 

Fear.  FEAR!!

Why do I need to control things?  Fear.
Why do I cringe when my boss confronts me?  Fear.
Why don't I just talk to that guy?  Fear.
Why can't I just be myself around other people?  Fear.  Am I too much?  Am I not enough?
Why am I so worried about what others think about me? Fear.
Why can't I take that great leap of faith into the unknown?  Fear.
Why do I find myself reluctant to be great?  Fear.
Why am I panicked about money?  Fear.
Why am I reluctant to go back to school?  Fear.
What if I make myself vulnerable and share my heart with someone and they don't like me? Fear.

Why this, why that, it always comes back to fear.

Fear holds me back from being myself all the time.  I just never realized it until now!  I thought the reason I was single was because I was awkward, or uninteresting, not attractive, or had no idea how to flirt.  And although every one of those things is true (to some degree or another), the real reason is because I have been afraid.  And I have been afraid for a very long time. 

I can remember at a very young age, learning to be afraid.  Because I am who I am, I started making lists in my mind of things I could and couldn't do because they were right or wrong.  Everything fell into the right or wrong category, leaving nothing in between.  The more "spiritual" I got, unfortunately, the bigger this list got.  And pretty soon these lists of what I thought was right and wrong started to turn into these little things we Christians like to call "walls".  I formed this protective barrier around my heart, until it grew to protect my entire self, and then my entire existence.  We Christians also like things called "boundaries".  The problem is that calling something a boundary is often a mask for a wall, that has been justified in our mind to keep ourselves safe.  There are a few things we have to have boundaries on, and absolute no-no, stay away attitude with, and that is to protect us from sinning.  As Christians we ought to have these.  But honestly, I think we take this whole idea of boundaries waaaaay to far.  I know some will disagree with me, and that's okay!

These boundaries/walls/lists protect us, and rightfully so when used correctly.  But when we justify boundaries as walls or just good boundaries to have in place, we give ourselves a way out of a situation just because it makes us vulnerable.  Think of it this way.  I may have a boundary of no sex before marriage.  Therefore, I will set boundaries for myself based on when that point of no return is for me.  I'm comfortable with this, but not with that.  Because if I do that, I know I won't be strong enough to turn back.  This is a good boundary.  It protects me from what I believe is sin.  And I believe that is sin based on God's word.
However, if I have a boundary of no sex before marriage, and therefore say I'm not going to be alone in my apartment with a man, or be in a car alone with a person of the opposite sex because someone might see us and wonder if we're going to have sex, in my opinion this is a wall.  And what is that wall in place for?  That wall is in place because we fear what others may perceive of us.

These lists/boundaries/walls I created have lead to a life of fear.  The more lists you have, the more rules you abide by, the smaller your risk.  The less risk, the less open you can be, because vulnerability equals risk.  And in a lot of people's minds risk equals weakness.  Therefore, if you are open with people (and in doing so make yourself vulnerable), you are weak.  And weakness is like death.  Because if we are weak, that means we can't do this thing called life on our own.  And that my friends, is a very scary place to be.

Unfortunately, for a Christian, vulnerability shouldn't be scary.  It should be freeing.  God said there's no way we can do life on our own.  That why we have Him.  That's why He gave us others.  I heard it said once that "Vulnerability is the most accurate measurement of courage".  Why?  Because vulnerability is scary, and having courage isn't always possible on our own strength.

For the Christian, a life of fear is full of lies.  There is nothing Satan wouldn't love more than to disable a Christian.  The fastest way to do that is fear.  Strike fear into the heart of Christian and you have no made them ineffective.  Why?  Because everything God asks a Christian to do takes courage, and not the kind you can pull out on a moment's notice.  I mean the huge kind.  The kind only God can give us.  It always requires a leap of faith.  Because God is magnified in our weakness, what He asks of us will always be out of our own reach.  It's scary.  That's why it's called a "leap of faith".

I remember as a kid, with my dad in the pool, and me on the edge, scared to jump in for fear of drowning.  He's standing there with his arms outstretched saying, "I'm right here.  I won't let anything happen to you.  Just jump!"  I stood there paralyzed, until finally I closed my eyes, held my nose, and forced myself over the edge.  As I land in the water I feel my dad's big strong arms grab me and lead me to the top safe and sound. 

I think about Eve and how Satan tempted her in the garden.  What is one of the things he spoke into her heart?  "You know, God told you you couldn't eat that fruit because if you do you'll be like him, and know everything.  He's holding out on you.  You can't trust him."  FEAR!

So, all these things I'm in the process of learning I have tried to focus on this area of fear.  The more I hear people talk around me, the more I see and hear it.  Fear dominates us.  It's incredibly powerful.  But thank God, He is more powerful than anything Satan throws at us.  Fear is not from God.  God have GIVEN us a life of freedom! 

I have to choose to live in this freedom, and it is hard!  I think I have to practice this behavior, because like anything practice makes better!  So every time I sense that feeling welling up inside me, that fear screaming at me to crawl back into my corner and withdraw, I say to myself, "I will not be afraid.  God is greater than my fear.  I will not be afraid."  So, as I stand on the edge, looking at my Father with arms stretched open wide, I close my eyes, hold my breath...and JUMP!