I recently held a women's breakfast, and asked each of the attendees to write affirmations about themselves, and then character traits or things about themselves. Lastly, I asked them to share three things they were struggling with. We then went around the patio and shared these things with each other. It was a moment (okay, more like an hour) of honesty with each other.
One of my close friends and I were talking about this time, later that weekend, and she was commenting to me how many of us shared struggles with self-worth. Self worth. Am I worthy? What makes me worthy as a woman...as a mother, wife, girlfriend, daughter, sister, lover, friend? What determines my worth, and why is it so damn hard to grasp it? Why does everything else in my life seem to hang on this one thing?
Seems pretty easy. I'm a Christian. I believe that someone died for my life. My life has that much value that someone died for it! Therefore, I should live a state of complete appreciation and understanding of said value, and never have a moment's question as to my significance, value, and purpose in this life. Sure, okay. Religiosity is so perfect, isn't it? Let's mix some guilt in with your doubt, because clearly if you're questioning these things you're missing something. Go read your Bible or something. I know this great Bible study you should go to. They talk all about these issues, and it could really help you. Gag me. (More on this in a sec.)
Half a lifetime ago...
Literally...half a lifetime ago (yikes), I was in my second year of college, and was part of a small traveling singing group. It was the best...a little family of sorts. Nine of us total, 4 females and 5 males, which included our sound guy. We even had matching outfits for performances. Yeah, we were legit. It was Bible college in the late 90's, and this was my second year with these friends. We had all been in a larger group, and some of us together in small ensembles the year before, so we all knew each other going into this year.My life going into Bible college was tumultuous. Home life was a disaster. Some kids turn to partying, drinking, drugs, sex. I turned to Bible college. Seriously. I was running as fast and as far as I could from all of it, but it seemed like the safest and most responsible decision ("Good Girl, Running"...could have been a book title for this point in my life.) If anything, I had spent my life doing responsible and right, really well.
I will point out at this point in the story (because it's important to the story) that I was kind of "fluffy" going into college. Depression has a way of doing that. I think I may have only been about 20-30 pounds lighter than I am now, maybe not even that much. And I had put on my "Freshman 15" already. (It's important to mention here that I look back at pictures of myself at that age, in our little outfits, and think, "I was beautiful (even with a little fluff)." After all, this was half a lifetime ago.)
I remember the conversation like it was yesterday...
One of the guys in our group and I were hanging out, talking and stuff. Like I said, we were all pretty close. We spent every day, and every weekend together, so when he asked me if he could tell me something honestly, I said yes. I believe his words went something like, "The other guys and I talk about you a lot, and we all think you'd be a great wife and mother. I think you're going to be great at it. You're so perfect for it. And you're face is so pretty. Really, it is, but it's just the rest of you is...not as much. We think you're so great. It's just that one thing, I think, that holds any of us back from dating you."
Lightbulb moment: PEOPLE SAY STUPID THINGS!
So, there I was, completely like, "Um, okay" speechless (because, what do you say to that?). I believe I said something graceful like, "Thank you for being honest with me" or some crap like that. Honest words from a friend...and they felt like a thousand arrows pointed at the same target. All grace aside, it was a stupid thing to say.
Here's the thing. Even things done in truth and honesty can crush a person. I've done it. In my teens and early twenties I was all hopped up on Jesus-juice and thought I could just go out and preach to people and rid them of their sinful ways. I crushed them. I crushed their spirits. Even in my writing...I bet I've done it. I hope that wisdom and maturity have kicked in enough, and through my experiences I have managed to show compassion when needed, but I am human too. I bet I've crushed people with my words, even recently.
It happens. It wasn't ill-intentioned. This guy was after all, was being honest, and in his mind trying to help me out as a friend. He might have even thought it should be flattering to me that they talked about me in this way. (You know...because I'd be a great wife and mother and all.) Sometimes truth and honesty ain't all it's cracked up to be. Once words leave our mouths, they enter unfiltered territory. They fall on ears, attached to a body and a heart that has wounds, and weak spots, and baggage.
Because I'm a Christian, I believe in powers unseen. I believe in Truth and Love as God, and I believe in lies and deceit as my Enemy. We'll call him Satan. Did you know Christians can be used by Satan? NO FREAKIN" WAY!! Yes way. We should really pay more attention to this possibility. It would really help a lot of issues. Anyway, I like to think of the Garden of Eden situation (yeah, that place) as a primo example of how Satan works. Like a snake, slithering his way into our minds and hearts, convincing us of things that aren't true. Maybe they're half-truths, maybe just flat out lies, but he plays on our insecurities and our lack of trust and understanding of God, to plant a seed of doubt. And yes, I mean us women.
Thanks Eve, for the many curses upon our sex. Much appreciated. One of the biggest things we women struggle with is our self-worth. We're craving answers to this hole in our hearts. We want validation, confirmation, and affirmation in the worst way. Sometimes we develop very unhealthy ways of trying to get these things. I'm not saying men don't struggle with this too. There's just something about this that's a little different, maybe a little more defining and powerful, for a woman. What am I worth? What am I worth to you?
These questions start straight off, and in the most healthy way, we get our first human validation of our worth from our parents and family. They are our little world, and they are the ones that fill us with knowledge and understanding of who we are, and who we are in relation to everything and everyone else around us. But even the most healthy situation is not void of snaky influence. A full, undamaged, pure and loving heart is a threat to lies and deceit. Even our enemy sees our value.
Half-truths, small deceptions, insecure thoughts, negative comments, negative images, abuse, bullying, mean girls, jealous moms, withdrawn dads, etc, etc, etc. It starts out so small, but the arrows keep coming, and a wound that was the size of a small pinhole, gets larger and larger with each arrow hitting it's center, until it is a gaping wound looking for healing.
This giant arrow that hit my heart in college had perfect aim. A wound was already there, but this honest conversation caused years of pain. Obviously, if I can remember the conversation almost 19 years later.
Christians like to throw a blanket fix (sometimes) over wounds like this. Like that my value is in Christ. Does my head know that? Absolutely. Does my heart know that? Not always.
Healing...
Healing has been a challenge. Remember, this is now a gaping wound. All the Bible studies in the world about it, didn't help it. Every guy from this conversation on has only affirmed these lies even more. "You'd be a great wife and mother, but..." "You have a beautiful face, but the rest of you not so much". It has helped me answer every question I have ever had about why I am still single. Truth.When I turned 35 a couple of years ago, I think I was going through my midlife crisis. I was dreading this birthday. I still believe everyone has a birthday they dread. Mine was this one. It was all in my head, of course, but I was struggling with my expectations of myself at age 35. Why wasn't I further along in my life? Granted, I had a car accident/recovery that wasted almost 10 years of progression in life, but who cares about that. I was 35. All of my friends were done with school, married with children, and here I was. I quit school because of the accident. I wasn't married, and had no children. Why? Because I have a beautiful face, a beautiful soul, but the rest of me...not so much. I kid you not. This has been my response to myself all these years.
So, how does one get rid of that hurt, or even start to heal it? You have to go back to it, find the arrow, painfully remove it from your heart, and spend time administering the healing balm of Truth to it. It's not an insta-fix kind of thing, either. Then when you're done taking that one out, you find the others, one by one, and do the same thing. You find as many of them as you can, and are meant to find at this point in your life, and you do the hard work of grieving, removing, and replacing. In a nutshell. And oh, by the way, the arrows still come lookin', even if you've "healed" a part of you. They still come, looking for a place to land.
My value, ultimately, is not assigned to what others think of me. It's not assigned to how many Facebook likes I get on my writing, or my profile picture, or how many friends I have. If that's a way of measuring my value, then I will surely be crumbled. My value was placed the day I was created. My Maker designed all of me, and decided the world needed a Marci...just the way she is. He needed this soul to be this way, to look this way, to go through these things, and that thing (lots of things), and gifted her specifically, with things she would need to conquer life...gifted her with things that she could use to help others see God, so that they could do the same.
My point is this. We're going to "f" this up. We are human. Let's love each other well. I have gone back to this specific conversation in my mind, several times, to heal from it, and from the wounds preceding it. We need to do that too. They are lies. They are intentional lies. Lies meant to derail us from a life of love and hope. We can't live there. We must scrape up enough courage and hope to realize even the smallest value in ridding ourselves of the lies we carry, so that we can be free.
Free.
Our value, our healing, our revival...is threatening. But we have one fighting for us that is greater than all. He is fighting for us while our hearts lay in a pile of mush, our scars and our open wounds lay bare, and we cannot fight for ourselves. We are worth this much. This much.
Still practicing...
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